Library Books and Food: Fear, Hunger, or Both?

I’ve been reading HUNGER by Roxane Gay late at night. And there is something ironic about reading her body memoir the week of Christmas. I also read an article on cortisol and the brain which seemed to justify my need to keep the Amazon app on the home screen of my phone. But there I exhibited some rare self-control, and chose to run to the local library instead of adding to my 800 book collection.

Three weeks before Christmas I chose to start hording library books. One of my early visits prompted the librarian to let me know that there are no late charges at this time, which was all the permission I needed to take home two, then three, then five, then a few more books. Things were getting dicey in NJ and all I could think about was a possible state lockdown, such as the one we had last Spring. Since few of the 800 books at home would keep my attention, I wanted “new” titles to choose from during the impending isolation, which hasn’t happened, of course. I love the smell of books, the feel of paper sliding between my fingers, the cuddled up position I take when cuddling paper puppies as my mind slips away from 2020 craziness: Covid, election, economy, etc…

So now my piles of books sit in the blue room, the bedroom, the living room. And I am beginning with Roxane’s memoir.

Which leads me to food.

This was the first time I was tasked for cooking Christmas dinner. Every other year, we’ve been at someone else’s home, bearing wine, or cheese and crackers. I was the “wine, cheese, and crackers” guest. Four days before Christmas, I started to plan. I pushed aside my anxiety and started googling: garlic mashed potatoes, roast beef, popovers, scones, honey glazed sweet potato. My printer cringed as I printed out recipe after recipe. Then I sat back in my chair and studied the ingredients as I first placed a Peapod order. I groaned as I saw I couldn’t get delivery until Christmas Eve. Which led my back to my Amazon app and Whole Foods. I couldn’t get a fast deliver from them either. But they could come before Thursday. Monday morning I was anxious about not having enough food…for three. And then there was the wine I wanted, and the fresh fruit, breakfast supplies, and other “necessities”.

Tuesday afternoon, right after work, I found myself on line waiting to get in at my local Wegmans. Ridiculous right? Not as ridiculous as the amount of money I spent on food this week. It took all three sets of groceries to get ready for Christmas dinner, and I only made two of the six recipes I printed.

After all the cooking was done, I sat with a glass of red wine wondering what had driven me to this insanity. Was it hunger for the perfect dinner or the perfect book? Or was it fear of not being able to get what I wanted when I wanted it? Or was it desire or the normalcy of life before Covid? Truthfully, having all the food in the house and all these books has not made me happier. I am still reading Hunger.