faith – Meandering Through Midlife

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It’s the night before Easter and all through the house…wait, wrong holiday, or is it? It wasn’t until I was older that I grew to understand that Easter is truly more important than Christmas. Mind you, growing up, I was a Christer, a Christian who went to church mostly on Christmas and Easter. That is unless my mom dropped me off at church with Nana so she could get the grocery shopping done. Now, I not only go regularly, but I am involved in ways I never would have thought if you told me this was going to happen twenty years ago.

Easter is about resurrection. It’s interesting when you break down the word. Surrection relates to geology, typically meaning upheaval, such as when mountains come up through tectonic plates. The suffix -ion denotes an action, or condition. It is a noun suffix. And the prefix RE means again. So in a way, resurrection refers to the act of creating an upheaval again, a rising up of something from the earth.

Maybe Covid 19 is the catalyst for such a resurrection. We needed to sit down in order to be raised up, raised up enough to understand the value of caring for one another. Raised up in order to recognize life’s priorities.

I love the news stories where they highlight people who have gone out of their way to care for those who are frightened, alone, or in need. Some companies are donating money to food banks. Some people are buying groceries for their neighbors who are now shut in. And thanks to technology, such as Google Hangouts and Zoom, we can connect with friends and loved ones we have not seen in a while.

Being forced to slow down our pace of life coerces one to contemplate. It’s hard sometimes to look in the mirror and see not just the made up parts of ourselves, but the cracks that are beginning to show underneath. Our priorities become etched in ourselves during trying times like these.

It is not easy to remain faithful and hopeful right now. I have been disheartened hearing, or reading the news. I was hoping NJ would be able to lighten restrictions by the end of May. Now there seems little hope that will happen. Our governor speaks of the peak being in mid May, which means we would be at home through June at least. I worry for the economy. I worry about our income. I worry about a family member passing away and not being able to say goodbye. I worry a lot these days. It’s hard not to.

I cling to my faith not because I expect God to fix everything, but because I hope for the strength to endure this trial. But practicing your faith on your own is much different. It is especially difficult when you can’t physically gather and engage in those rituals that mark tomorrow, such as Easter hats, egg hunts, special greetings. But the faithful are finding new ways, whether they are Christian, Jewish, Muslim, or Buddhist. We have to.

So dear Reader, if you are celebrating tomorrow, Happy Easter. If you celebrated Passover, I hope your virtual seder went well. And good luck to you who are about to embark on Ramadan’s month long prayer and fasting.

And if you don’t ascribe to any faith, please stay hopeful.

Namaste

Chaos theory word cloud glowing

It’s almost 8:00 p.m. on Wednesday night. Time to watch XFiles. Be back later.

Bet you weren’t expecting that were you… I love the Xfiles. The show grounds me in a simpler time. DH and I used to watch it as part of our “date night”. And tonight, I need grounding.

Most of the time things run pretty smoothly, but this week Chaos Theory has reigned. It began with some bumps in the road of my life last week with a sick grandmother and a frozen water pipe. But then all hell broke loose. Microwave died. DH accidentally sliced off part of his thumb. Cell phone software was corrupted and required an hour phone call with an Apple tech. And today, Munchkin, who rarely rides the bus, but needed to because of the delayed opening, banged his head pretty hard when a Mercedes rammed into the back of the bus.

There is nothing like getting a phone call at work telling you that your child is being taken to the hospital. Nothing.

And being middle-aged, I found myself unnaturally calm.

I had the wherewithal to scribble assignments on the white board in the front of my classroom and label the handouts for the remaining classes. I even turned off the computer, locked up my laptop, and grabbed a diet coke from my mini-fridge along with some pretzels.

Don’t judge me. I was starving. And I know how long emergency room visits can be.

I didn’t even speed on the way home. Or panic when DH got to the hospital to find out that Munchkin wasn’t there. I was really good.

Until I saw my Munchkin red-faced and teary-eyed standing next to the other injured child. And then I felt his fear and his relief in seeing me. The tears welled up and my hands shook a bit.

And then Mommy mode took over again. Fill out forms. Hand over insurance card. Listen to PA and her instructions.

All the while my poor DH who had just had a very difficult follow-up for the thumb with his doctor sat in disbelief. How much shit can one week dole out? “My boss isn’t going to believe me,” he said.

The twenty-something me would have been hysterical. The thirty-something me mad as hell at the woman driving the Mercedes. But the late forty-something me has had some experience under her belt. I’ve been through rough patches before. And I’ve got a little faith.

Late forty-something me lives by “it is what it is”. I have been practicing non-judgement and mindfulness. Meditation is important to me. And so is surrender. We can’t control what happens to us. We can only control our reactions. The rest we have to let go.

If only I knew that when I was younger.

We live in a world where you hear about nuclear missile drills and false alarms. We witness Mother Nature’s wrath in her crazy weather patterns. We have leaders who toss words about like cheap dirty underwear, not caring about the repercussions of their word choices. Every day we hear about human horrors: abuse, murder, corruption. We are at the whim of corporations and their greed or politicians and their policies.

And truthfully, we cannot control these things. We can only control our reactions. Trying to be calm in the middle of the storm is like sitting in the middle of a merry-go round. If you slide toward the edges, you will fall off. If you sit in the middle of your soul, you will still witness and feel the effects of Chaos, but you will be able to control your reactions and give yourself the space to breathe.

Namaste,

JMonell

Tag: faith

Day 26: Keeping the Faith

Chaos Theory