chaos – Meandering Through Midlife

stress

I am blessed. I thrive on stress. Usually.

But as I get older, I have noticed that just behind Stress is Distress. Burn out actually, which is followed by RAGE.

There was a time when working full-time, going to graduate school, and trying to write felt like juggling oranges. Sweet ones. But now, I feel like the oranges are on fire.

So I make deals with myself. I will start writing again when… the house is cleaned, the students’ essays are graded, Nana’s party arrangements are made, make it to the gym once per week, sign Munchkin up for camp, soccer season ends, school calms down, etc., etc., etc.

My life becomes like the pet hamster in his exercise ball. I can see the end, but I keep rolling over and over and over. I can’t break through the clear block to actually do something. The frenetic energy makes me feel like the Taz from Looney Tunes stuck in slime, the kind you make with your kid on a rainy day with food coloring and Elmer’s. Insert image here.

Writing during these moments rarely happens because as I plod along further into middle age, my tolerance decreases and I fall back to “But life was supposed to be like…” Thoughts spin. My body twitches, especially the left eyelid. And then I just want to drool in front of the TV. If I am lucky, I will pick up a book.

But write?

It seems easier to call up a friend and vent.

Writing down those erratic thoughts can make my hand cramp. And for the story I’ve been working on for three months? Well, that is just about as disjointed as a bad sitcom.

But writing down those troubled thoughts in the privacy of the page makes you face the truth, whatever shape and size it is. No matter how ugly it is. Truth is truth. Mostly.

I need to be calm when I sit down to write.

Life needs to be somewhat neat and organized for me to punch words onto a page.

That’s what middle age has done to me. Slowed me down. But maybe that’s what’s supposed to happen anyway.

So dear audience, tell me how you do it. How do you write when your life is enveloped in chaos? Love to hear from you!

Happy Writing,

JMonell

Chaos theory word cloud glowing

It’s almost 8:00 p.m. on Wednesday night. Time to watch XFiles. Be back later.

Bet you weren’t expecting that were you… I love the Xfiles. The show grounds me in a simpler time. DH and I used to watch it as part of our “date night”. And tonight, I need grounding.

Most of the time things run pretty smoothly, but this week Chaos Theory has reigned. It began with some bumps in the road of my life last week with a sick grandmother and a frozen water pipe. But then all hell broke loose. Microwave died. DH accidentally sliced off part of his thumb. Cell phone software was corrupted and required an hour phone call with an Apple tech. And today, Munchkin, who rarely rides the bus, but needed to because of the delayed opening, banged his head pretty hard when a Mercedes rammed into the back of the bus.

There is nothing like getting a phone call at work telling you that your child is being taken to the hospital. Nothing.

And being middle-aged, I found myself unnaturally calm.

I had the wherewithal to scribble assignments on the white board in the front of my classroom and label the handouts for the remaining classes. I even turned off the computer, locked up my laptop, and grabbed a diet coke from my mini-fridge along with some pretzels.

Don’t judge me. I was starving. And I know how long emergency room visits can be.

I didn’t even speed on the way home. Or panic when DH got to the hospital to find out that Munchkin wasn’t there. I was really good.

Until I saw my Munchkin red-faced and teary-eyed standing next to the other injured child. And then I felt his fear and his relief in seeing me. The tears welled up and my hands shook a bit.

And then Mommy mode took over again. Fill out forms. Hand over insurance card. Listen to PA and her instructions.

All the while my poor DH who had just had a very difficult follow-up for the thumb with his doctor sat in disbelief. How much shit can one week dole out? “My boss isn’t going to believe me,” he said.

The twenty-something me would have been hysterical. The thirty-something me mad as hell at the woman driving the Mercedes. But the late forty-something me has had some experience under her belt. I’ve been through rough patches before. And I’ve got a little faith.

Late forty-something me lives by “it is what it is”. I have been practicing non-judgement and mindfulness. Meditation is important to me. And so is surrender. We can’t control what happens to us. We can only control our reactions. The rest we have to let go.

If only I knew that when I was younger.

We live in a world where you hear about nuclear missile drills and false alarms. We witness Mother Nature’s wrath in her crazy weather patterns. We have leaders who toss words about like cheap dirty underwear, not caring about the repercussions of their word choices. Every day we hear about human horrors: abuse, murder, corruption. We are at the whim of corporations and their greed or politicians and their policies.

And truthfully, we cannot control these things. We can only control our reactions. Trying to be calm in the middle of the storm is like sitting in the middle of a merry-go round. If you slide toward the edges, you will fall off. If you sit in the middle of your soul, you will still witness and feel the effects of Chaos, but you will be able to control your reactions and give yourself the space to breathe.

Namaste,

JMonell

Tag: chaos

Stress and Writing, or the not of…

Chaos Theory