Aging Up

Saturday is that day, the day I age up.

So many people say, “You’re only as old as you feel.”  But as I dash closer to the fifty yard line, I can feel a new urgency.  Anxieties have taken up residence in my brain, spinning thoughts faster than I thought possible.  How will we afford retirement?  What about the Munchkin’s college?  And a new urge to get healthy, which is chased by fears of illnesses one sees nightly on pharmaceutical advertisements that are crammed between scenes of my few favorite shows.

Oh shit.  I am getting old….er.

Switches are going off.  Do I really need work shoes with only a few weeks of school left?  Should we really invest in an extended warranty for the computer?  Gotta get the eyes checked…can barely read my favorite books anymore.

Sure there have been signs.  Like the shock I had after blowing out my knee two years ago while stepping out of a tree.  Or the fact that my newest colleague was a student when I first started teaching.  Then there’s the dryness of my skin on the back of my hands that reminds me of my grandmother.  And then my husband reminded me that we have been together for nearly half of our lives.

But somehow, I ignored these signs and focused on the day to day tasks that seem to have defined my life for the past ten years.  Work. Cook. Care for Munchkin.  Care for hubby.  Work.  Clean.  Volunteer when possible.  Soccer.  Church.  School. Soccer. Church. School. Write.

Damn.  What happened to my dreams? How did I let them slip away like sand?  Have they slipped away?  Is there still time?  Langston Hughes wrote of a “Dream Deferred”.  Maybe that’s what has happened to my dreams.  Not dead.  Just deferred.

It’s funny that for this birthday, all I want is time.  Time to relax.   Time to meditate.  Time to figure out who is this new old…er me.

Happy Writing!

JMonell