Chaos Theory

It’s almost 8:00 p.m. on Wednesday night. Time to watch XFiles.  Be back later.

Bet you weren’t expecting that were you…  I love the Xfiles.  The show grounds me in a simpler time.  DH and I used to watch it as part of our “date night”.  And tonight, I need grounding.

Most of the time things run pretty smoothly, but this week Chaos Theory has reigned.  It began with some bumps in the road of my life last week with a sick grandmother and a frozen water pipe.  But then all hell broke loose.  Microwave died.  DH accidentally sliced off part of his thumb.  Cell phone software was corrupted and required an hour phone call with an Apple tech.  And today, Munchkin, who rarely rides the bus, but needed to because of the delayed opening, banged his head pretty hard when a Mercedes rammed into the back of the bus.

There is nothing like getting a phone call at work telling you that your child is being taken to the hospital.  Nothing.

And being middle-aged, I found myself unnaturally calm.

I had the wherewithal to scribble assignments on the white board in the front of my classroom and label the handouts for the remaining classes.  I even turned off the computer, locked up my laptop, and grabbed a diet coke from my mini-fridge along with some pretzels.

Don’t judge me.  I was starving.  And I know how long emergency room visits can be.

I didn’t even speed on the way home.  Or panic when DH got to the hospital to find out that Munchkin wasn’t there.  I was really good.

Until I saw my Munchkin red-faced and teary-eyed standing next to the other injured child.  And then I felt his fear and his relief in seeing me.  The tears welled up and my hands shook a bit.

And then Mommy mode took over again.  Fill out forms.  Hand over insurance card.  Listen to PA and her instructions.

All the while my poor DH who had just had a very difficult follow-up for the thumb with his doctor sat in disbelief.  How much shit can one week dole out?  “My boss isn’t going to believe me,” he said.

The twenty-something me would have been hysterical.  The thirty-something me mad as hell at the woman driving the Mercedes.  But the late forty-something me has had some experience under her belt.  I’ve been through rough patches before.  And I’ve got a little faith.

Late forty-something me lives by “it is what it is”.  I have been practicing non-judgement and mindfulness.  Meditation is important to me.  And so is surrender.  We can’t control what happens to us.  We can only control our reactions.  The rest we have to let go.

If only I knew that when I was younger.

We live in a world where you hear about nuclear missile drills and false alarms.  We witness Mother Nature’s wrath in her crazy weather patterns.  We have leaders who toss words about like cheap dirty underwear, not caring about the repercussions of their word choices.  Every day we hear about human horrors: abuse, murder, corruption.  We are at the whim of corporations and their greed or politicians and their policies.

And truthfully, we cannot control these things.  We can only control our reactions.  Trying to be calm in the middle of the storm is like sitting in the middle of a merry-go round.  If you slide toward the edges, you will fall off.  If you sit in the middle of your soul, you will still witness and feel the effects of Chaos, but you will be able to control your reactions and give yourself the space to breathe.

Namaste,

JMonell